5 Ways to Cook Kale … and then leave it on your neighbor’s porch

It’s snowing here in Colorado and that means it’s time for overweight men in their mid-thirties to get out their skis, start using the words shred and bro, and proceed to make it to the mountains exactly twice before calling the season “epic” and high-fiving the rest of us for the next six months. I love to snowboard but it’s October people, let’s hold off on mother nature’s “fuck you” season and admit to ourselves that bitter cold and darkness that starts before you’ve even had a chance to view your last ‘Cat on Roomba’ video before leaving work are NOT cool. Don’t try to convince me that you like winter, okay. We all know that winter is mother nature’s way of telling you she’s a cold, harsh bitch and she will cut your insignificant human throat if given the chance.

 

For me snow means that I can begin to watch my garden kale die a slow, painful death as I sit by and do nothing. THAT’S RIGHT KALE, you who has been growing large and green all summer long, testing me with your bitter but amazingly healthy leaves, and forcing me to go to Whole Foods so that I can pretentiously comment to every passer-by at my friend’s BBQ that yes, that salad IS all organic. I am done with you. I’m just not fully comfortable with foods that are consistently on the list of ’Top 10 Things to Eat for Bowel Regularity’ and additionally winter turns my eye more toward comfort food, like the Fiery Doritos Taco Loco Supreme or anything at Hooters. Ultimately summer is the time where food intake becomes contrived and ostentatious such as “gosh Sebastiane that quinoa, kale, almond butter salad I just ate at Martha’s vineyard was lovely, truly lovely” Or the more popular “yes I will take my green tea with just a splash of coconut water and could you throw some chia seeds on top?” That might just be the single reason I’m looking forward to winter, where the statement “Dude can you pass the Cheetos … and the heroin needle” seems right at home.

 

Peanut Butter and Jelly S’more

Just like mom used to make!

 

–       Graham Cracker

–       Marshmallow

–       Chocolate Squares

–       Raspberry Jelly

–       Peanut Butter (and I swear to God if you substitute almond butter I will end you)

 

Spread peanut butter and jelly on your graham cracker. Toast or microwave your marshmallow, slightly melt your chocolate (either in the microwave or by placing a graham cracker with chocolate next to your campfire) and then press everything together between your graham cracker halves. Enjoy … maybe with a white Russian. PBJ S'more

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2 responses to “5 Ways to Cook Kale … and then leave it on your neighbor’s porch

  1. WTF. From Whole foods to heroin all in one season. Sounds like Colorado. You know the Ski season ends early thanks to Mother Nature telling us it’s time to kick hair on, and get out to eat some greens. Besides the middle aged bros start hitting the mountain in January so live it up early while the roads clear. Have you tried a nacho Cheeto S’more yet?

  2. Lizard!!! That Kale is going to get you… it thrives in cool conditions and possibly can make it through the winter if you knit it a cute Christmas sweater. Now I adore the culture of snow lovers in the world. I mean screw you Kathy and your hot despicable hot weather forecasts. Ugh pass the snowflakes my way please.

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