Rich Mom, Poor Mom

Because I don’t have a real job, and because I’m altruistic and completely selfless and whatnot, I tend to find myself in odd volunteer situations. And because I then grow tired of those volunteer situations and decide to quit three days in, I’ve done a LOT of volunteer work. My resume, if you could even call it that at this point in my life, is peppered with volunteer work that spans all kinds of organizations. I like to help people, until they piss me off.

There are two distinct volunteer jobs that stand out for because they are both so similar, and so different, at the same time. These are the Boys and Girls Club and the Denver Art Museum education department. First let me start by saying that both organizations are absolutely wonderful, and I mean that. They bring art and artists to children who might not otherwise be exposed to the creative process. They have hard-working and extremely committed people and they are both essential and meaningful non-profits who do amazing work.

So it started to dawn on me recently that both organizations, the Boys and Girls Club and the Denver Art Museum education department are basically the same organization, with the exact same goals and ideals, except that at one place all of the moms are uber rich, and at the other place all the moms are poor. Guess which is which.

Moms are an interesting breed and one that I know almost nothing about since I refuse to allow my husband anywhere near my vagina on most nights of the year, excluding Easter and obviously the baby Jesus’ birthday because that shit is sacred. Having said that I do have a mom, and one that I love fiercely despite the fact that she smoked the entire time I was gestating in the womb and also once told me that I was, in fact, getting fat during my junior year of high school.

I mean let’s face it, moms are awesome. They feed us from their bodies for the first six months of life (two years if you’re a rich mom) and do things like drive us to court for our DUI, and let us stay at their place when that DUI subsequently puts us on house arrest, and bake us cookies.

So hopefully this post has put to rest any commitment I have about (a) the Boys and Girls Club (b) the Denver Art Museum or (c) moms, in general.

Having said that, this post is titled rich mom, poor mom. And the thing is, although rich moms and poor moms have the exact same goal (i.e. creating a healthy and functioning child that transitions to a healthy and functioning adult) they go about it in very different ways. So here are one woman’s observations on rich moms versus poor moms.

UNIFORM:

Rich Mom – black leggings, knee high boots, deep brown. Long billowy shirt to hide tiniest hint of mommy belly, large scarf, also to aid in slimming

Poor Mom – skin-tight jeans with jewels attached to ass portion, knock-off Uggs, skin-tight tee shirt, usually in pink, mommy belly and back fat spilling out of mid-section

NAILS:

Rich Mom – manicure, short nails, dark color (apparently only black, gray, navy blue, and deep purple are approved colors for the winter 2014 season)

Poor Mom – manicure, long-ass fake tips any color, preferably seasonal and/or tiger stripe, Playboy bunny jewel affixed to pinky nail

WHO IS APPROVED TO PICK-UP YOUR CHILD:

Rich Mom – mom, dad, nanny

Poor Mom – mom, dad, cousin, older brother, older sister, older neighbor that lives down the street, dude that sometimes helps out around the house, older kids that hang out with your siblings, aunt, uncle, lady that isn’t your real aunt but has been your mom’s friend for ages, grandmother, obviously because she is the shit, and possibly the family dog once we train him to pick you up

CAN WE TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR CHILD FOR OUR BROCHURE:

Rich Mom – First let me see the waiver, let me read over the waiver, let me question you about the contents of the waiver, Let me see the pictures, let me approve the pictures, in fact let me take the pictures so that I can get Seraphina in a good light, actually let me send you the glamor shots I had taken of Seraphina last year because they were professionally done, yes, you can use those shots in your brochure

Poor Mom – Obviously.

EXCUSE ME BUT CAN I HELP YOU PICK UP THE CRAFTING STATION:

Rich Mom – Actually no, I’m going to need you to step away from the crafting station because we are trying to teach Oliver appropriate boundaries and using the Blargtatin method to establish habits of picking up toys that will allow him to be successful in his Montessori school in three years and ultimately, no I do not want you assisting him with his mess in the crafting station

Poor Mom – Obviously.

CAN WE VERBALLY DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD:

Rich Mom – Actually no, because again, as I already mentioned to you, we are using the Blargtatin method to teach Finn appropriate levels of child to adult interaction and we prefer that Finn verbally discipline himself in most situations and furthermore in order to verbally discipline our child we’d like you to sign the following seven forms, agree to appear in a court of law regarding the verbal discipline of our child, and commit to a five day training course in the Blargtatin method

Poor Mom – Obviously.

DO YOU LOVE YOUR CHILD, AND ARE YOU DOING THE BEST YOU CAN, WITH THE RESOURCES YOU HAVE AVAILABLE TO YOU?

Rich Mom – Obviously.

Poor Mom – Obviously.

 

Banana Bread S’more

Just like mom used to make

–       Banana Bread (call your mom you savages, get her recipe, and use it)

–       Marshmallow

–       Chocolate Square

Make banana bread, preferably with a friend and while drinking Mimosas

Toast or microwave marshmallow

Cut a slice of banana bread, cut that slice in half, place marshmallow, chocolate square in-between two slices

Banana Bread S'more

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