Don’t think I won’t hesitate to use these as a weapon

I’ve been on crutches for about 4 weeks now, due to an ACL, meniscus, snowboarding type of thing. And while I have tried to stay positive, connect with my inner-self and slow down, or whatnot, these periods of self-reflection are marred by opposing periods of down and dirty depression. Yesterday I got the flu so in addition to not being able to walk, I also had to suffer though aches, chills, and mucus pouring out of my nose. That combined with me crying most of the day and asking God why he hated me, and it just wasn’t really pretty.

Around 8pm I decided to buck up and pull my shit together. I went online and typed in “things you can do while on crutches”. It only served to depress me more. Someone suggested coloring while another reminded readers to carry a backpack around at all times, since in addition to hobbling on one foot your hands are completely taken up with the crutches. Write to a friend was suggested along with binge watch all of your favorite shows. I can tell you first hand that I’ve done all of these things and none of them remotely compares to the joy of being able to walk around the grocery store, cook yourself dinner, or actually cart your dishes from one place to another.

So instead I decided to come up with my own list. Below, FIVE THINGS THAT ARE EASIER WITH CRUTCHES.

1. Stealing merchandize from a store (obviously I did not really do this). Having said that, I went to Nordstrom Rack one day to buy a dress and felt that everyone’s pity for me, as in, “Wow, why the fuck would this person even consider trying on three spring dresses and a pair of black skinny jeans” combined with my ability to take my backpack wherever the hell I pleased – because really, are you going to tell a 32-year-old woman on crutches to leave her backpack at the entrance – would have made stealing a breeze. The obvious downside, a quick getaway is out of the picture.

2. Getting out of any level of help or assistance with my four year-old goddaughter. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my goddaughter. But sometimes I want to just sit back, have another Chili’s Platnum Presidente Margarita, because let’s face it, when your friend has a four-year old your ass is drinking at Chili’s, and just zone out. In fact this very situation happened just the other day. But when my goddaughter flung her entire chocolate milk on the floor and then proceeded to “help clean” by stepping in it and splashing the puddle with her hands, I was able to sit back, shake my blue plastic shaker, and boldly exclaim, “Wow, that looks really bad. You should probably call the bus boy over.”

3. Taking pain meds unabashedly and at any time of day. Hey, it’s not my fault if I’m drooling into my eggs Benedict at 11:30 in the morning on a Wednesday. Clearly you don’t understand the seriousness of my injury and additionally, I don’t appreciate your condescending tone and your suggestion that perhaps “Three Oxycodone before noon really isn’t the best way to manage the pain.” In fact order me another beermosa while I crutch to the bathroom – as slowly and indelicately as possible to remind you that my life is a living hell.

4. Nagging my husband incessantly. Now let’s face it, I really don’t need crutches to do this but it sure as hell makes it a lot more appropriate. I wish I could say something funny about this one but honestly if you’re in a relationship, if you’ve ever had a relationship, if you’ve lasted in a relationship longer than 3-6 weeks, you’ve heard nagging. Now pretend the person on the other line just had knee surgery, can’t walk, and additionally can barely comprehend what you’re saying due to what some are calling an “over-use of pain mediations”. Sounds fun doesn’t it.

5. Reminding everyone at all times that my life is harder than theirs. “Wow, I’m really sorry to hear that your grandmother with cancer accidentally lit the house on fire with her oxygen machine, killing your beloved cat and permanently singeing your eyebrows off. But honestly at least you were able to walk away from that fire because if it had been me, I’d be dead right now. By the way can you be a doll and grab my coat from the closet. I can’t walk remember, so it would be impossible for me to get it myself.”

 

The Invisible S’more

– Take one friend, on crutches and with the flu

– Ask her to make you a S’more

– Laugh while she slams into the stove, sink, microwave while hobbling around

– Put out marshmallow fire that develops when she isn’t able to move quickly enough to prevent it

– Duck and cover as she repeatedly attempts to bitch slap you with her crutches before falling onto the floor and demanding through tears that you take her to the McDonald’s drive-thru for a McFlurry

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